Surprised when others accuse you of never taking responsibility? Blaming others can be a behaviour we use so often, we hardly notice we do it. Read on to learn if you are actually more addicted to the blame game than you realised.
Be honest about the below to know if you have an issue with always making things someone else's fault and denying responsibility.
1. When something goes wrong, you look for the perpetrator.
"Who did this?" "I want to know who is responsible!" "Someone must be held accountable!"
The healthy way to approach situations when things go wrong is to ask, "How can this be fixed?". A healthy mind focuses on solutions, and takes responsibility.
If your mind instead is like a heat seeking missile searching to lay fault so you can get out all your frustration and avoid taking action? Then you are likely addicted to the blame game.
2. When talking to others most of your sentences start with ‘you’.
“You did this, you did that”. “You made me feel this way”. “If you didn’t do that, I would be stuck with this.”
The more your sentences start with you, the more you are making everyone else responsible. In actual fact, nobody can make you feel a certain way. And this sort of dialogue pushes others away.
We are the ones choosing to feel certain ways, and we are choosing how we let the words and actions of others affect us.
You are powerful, and when you realise that, you will realise sentences work better starting with “I”, which opens the conversation. “When you do that, I admit I feel this…. could we talk about it?”.
3. You often use phrases of helplessness.
“What more could I do”. “I am so unlucky”. “It’s out of my control”.
If you are always throwing your metaphorical hands in the air, you are at first blaming it on the fates. But there is only so long we can blame the ‘powers that be’. This sort of attitude of learned helplessness is more often than not followed by finidng someone else to blame.
4. You are always a victim.
“How could she do that to me?” “I did nothing to deserve this.” “It’s so unfair.”
The victim mentality can be a comfort zone if we come from a difficult childhood. As children we really were victims if bad things happened. We couldn’t walk out and find our own place to live, for example, if we had an abusive parent.
As adults we can be seeking the attention and care we never got as a child, but also never learned to ask for. Being a victim is a backwards way to get this attention.
It also, unfortunately, is a way to completely deny our personal power. And if you won't see your power, you can’t change anything. You have the power to seek support and help, for example. Or to learn to make better choices and practise self-care.
5. If someone asks if you did something you are immediately angry and defensive.
Why would you say that? “I can’t believe you would think that”. “How dare you!”
Have you been told you are overreactive? If we are the sort to blame others, we are also the sort who hates being blamed.
In fact the very reason we blame others is that we are terrified of being wrong ourselves.
Often we play the blame game because we had a childhood where they were not allowed to be ourselves, but had to please a parent.
Or we experienced a childhood trauma or series of traumas we have internalised as all our fault, and now we live in fear of being found out. The easiest disguise is to blame everyone else.
If blaming others is a defence mechanism that has long helped you feel safe? And given you your quota of attention from others? It can feel terrifying to give up.
Self help is a great start. There are books about moving out of the victim mentality, and you can journal and practice mindfulness.
But to move out of the blame game faster, support is often needed. Again, the habit is often connected to a difficult or loveless childhood. Therapy can help you process long held limiting beliefs and repressed emotions that no longer serve you.
Ready to stop blaming everyone else? And take back your personal power to make change happen? Book a therapist today and be talking this week.
