Always alone, and really want to be in love? What would a therapist say if you were to work with one?
Do you tend to attract others but then sabotage things? Are you always going after people who are unavailable? Or do you just find it impossible to get close to others at all?
If you feel like you are stuck in a pattern, that’s because you are. As children we learn ways of relating we then take into adulthood. Or the ways we see ourselves in the world are affected by trauma, and these ways of seeing keep us repeating the same unhelpful behaviours and choices.
Not only do our childhoods give us patterns of relating, they give us a hidden belief system that drives our decisions. We assume things to be true about the world and then live our lives as if these assumptions are facts. For example, if your parents were always fighting, you might have a secret core belief that love is dangerous. No wonder you avoid love.
Fear of intimacy is misunderstood as meaning we don’t like people. Actually, it just means that other people getting close causes us fear and anxiety. We can have many friends and always seem happy, for example, but still have a hidden fear of intimacy. We just hide our fear behind a perfect front, or behind always being funny.
The quick cure-all to attracting love is supposed to be ‘raising your self-esteem’. But as anyone who has actually tried to do so will attest, it’s not an easy matter, especially if you’ve spent your whole life not feeling worthwhile.
Enter self-compassion, a new trend in therapy that has been found to help clients feel self-worth faster. The idea is to start to treat yourself like you would a good friend. The side benefit is that we start to treat others nicer, too, and come across as easier to know.
Old, unresolved grudges might be something we think we hide well. But the truth is that bitterness gives you a certain energy.
It seeps out into the things you say, which are often negative. It means you might even treat others with suspicion. Without realising it, your old bitterness can mean you come across as someone who doesn’t want others getting close.
Do you know what really blocks someone else from falling in love with you? If ‘you’ isn’t really a solid concept.
In other words, if you are the type who is never sure what she thinks and feels, who always goes along with what others want instead of taking the time to know what he wants… then people can’t love you as they don’t know who ‘you’ is.
One of the best ways to figure out who you are is to learn your personal values. These are the things you hold valuable no matter what. Not objects and people, but rather the ways of seeing that are unchangeable for you. Values include things like success and happiness, freedom and stability, family and independence.
The secret is to figure our what matters to you - not what matters to your parents, peers, or what you ‘think’ you should value. If you had one year left to live, what would suddenly seem very important to you?
Really want love as soon as possible? As you might have noticed, there can be some real blocks in the way of our capacity to love, particularly if, through no fault of our own, we had a difficult childhood.
So one of the fastest ways to finding love is to seek proper support to get you there. A counsellor or therapist is trained at deep listening and observing. They can help you spot the patterns and solutions it might take you years, or even decades, to figure out alone.
Time to get the help you deserve to attract love at last? Find a therapist now at a price you can afford and step forward!