Worried you’ve made a mistake in your choice of partner? Or if you really like them? Doubts in relationships can be red flags, or they can be a toxic way of thinking that leaves you endlessly lonely.
There are many things we can doubt in relationships.
Sound familiar?
Yes, sometimes doubts are truly red flags and we need to wake up, face them, and walk away. If you rushed into a relationship, for example, then doubt can happen when you realise you don't have as much in common as you realised.
And if you are being in any way abused — mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, or financially - then it’s worth feeling doubtful. Reach out for support. Talk to a trusted friend, or hire a counsellor who can offer an unbiased perspective.
But sometimes the doubts we have in relationships aren’t about the other person at all.
Ask yourself this question. Do you doubt just this person? Or is the truth that you ALWAYS doubt partners? Each and every one of them?
If so, then the doubts you have are likely about you, not them.
So what is it that makes you never certain?
What better way to stop anyone getting to close to you than constantly deeming them as ‘not right’ with your many doubts?
Research found a little between having anxiety about your ability to understand causes of social events with having doubts in relationships.
3. You have a low sense of self.
If we grew up needing to please the caregivers in our lives to receive the love and attention we needed, then we can end up people pleasers as an adult, too.
You get so used to being what others want that the real ‘you’ gets lost along the way. And if you have a low sense of self, then it's hard to know what you want.
4. You are terrified of making mistakes.
Do you feel all tied up in knots when you have doubts? Does your heart beat, are you anxious? Your doubts can be connected to a fear of messing up.
This will involve a hidden limiting belief in your unconscious that if you make one wrong move, everything will go wrong. Perhaps as a child you watched an adult in your life make a big mistake and pay a price, or you were punished for making a mistake yourself.
Otherwise, always doubting others actually comes from always doubting yourself. If you deep down have low self-esteem about being good enough for the other person to love, then you can project all that doubt onto them.
A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that, "individuals troubled by self-doubt underestimated the strength of their partners’ love. Such unwarranted insecurities predicted less positive perceptions of their partners."
Write out all your doubts about your partner. Then reverse them. For example, if you doubt you love them, do you deep down doubt they actually love you? Or worry you aren’t loveable? If you doubt they are successful enough for you, how do you really feel about your own success?
Self help tools can help you be honest and look at your real feelings. This includes journalling and mindfulness, which helps you be present to your emotions and thoughts.
If you are constantly sabotaging love and friendships with your doubts, and you are left lonely and feeling low? Do consider working with a talk therapist.
The therapy room is a safe space. And a therapist is highly trained in listening, and asking just the right questions that have you understanding things fast.
Ready to stop doubting and start fully loving? Our easy to use booking tool will help you find your perfect affordable therapist today.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher. With training in person-centred counselling and coaching, she often writes about trauma and relationships. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
