Always Fighting and Can't Stop?

Reviewed by Dr Sheri Jacobson

Worried about constant arguing in a relationship that is important to you? But not sure how to break the pattern?

Ask yourself these important questions.

1. Are the topics of your arguing the real problem?

Do you notice a pattern to your fighting? Perhaps it's always fighting about the same old things, or always something little that sets of an argument? These are signs you are dancing around something.

Only when you identify and address the thing that is really bothering you can progress be made. And that's true whether it is an old upset you are scared to talk about, a lack of trust, a need for more connection, or even plain old boredom.

2. Do you know how to listen and communicate?

Constant arguing in a relationship can also happen simply as neither on of you knows how to clearly share what you want and need without resorting to blame.

Taking the time to learn how to phrase your statements so the other person doesn’t feel attacked can be the first step to talking over yelling.

3. What time frame are you stuck in?

Always going over a list of past faults when you fight? Or fighting about what will or won’t happen in the future?

A past we can't change and a future we can't control are easy to fight about. Bringing peace back means appreciating the present enough that it isn't overridden by other time tenses.

4. Is it really your partner you are fighting with?

Do you not only find that you fight about the same things with your friend or partner, but that you also fight about the same thing with others? That you are constantly in the exact same power battle?

Then it might be time to look at unresolved past issues with your parents. Until we understand any unhealthy dynamics we had with our parents, we just repeat them.

5. Do you know how to change perspective?

Obsessed with being ‘right’? And sure you are? Then you are stuck in a rigid viewpoint and need to learn that life is actually perspective.

We all see experience and see things differently. Unless you learn to see other people’s perspectives you are never going to have good relationships.

6. How is your sex life?

Is your sex life on hold? Constant arguing in a relationship can sometimes be sexual tension finding an outlet.

Perhaps it's time to stop pretending no sex is working for you, and start looking at ways to physically connect that work for both of you.

7. Do you know how to disagree?

Conflict is actually a good thing for relationships -- if done right. Without conflict, we don’t learn each others boundaries and move a relationship forward.

To have a healthy relationship it needs to be safe to not agree, and you both need to learn the power of compromise.

8. Are you overreacting?

Is the difficult truth that it’s always you blowing up on your partner? In an endless cycle of you freaking out, feeling ashamed, then apologising? And do you feel that you can’t control yourself, no matter how hard you try?

You might have emotional dysregulation, where your emotions are impulsive and big. This can also be a symptom of borderline personality disorder, where the root of your freakouts is a constant fear the other is rejecting or abandoning you.

Want the constant arguing to stop as soon as possible? Why not try couples therapy? Or try online couples counselling, where you can talk from the comfort of your own home.

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