It’s good to lend a listening ear. But what can you do when a friend, acquaintance, or colleague's oversharing has become too much? Welcome to the what social media has now coined 'trauma dumping'.
It's not a psychological term, but an internet trend. ‘Trauma dumping’ is a way to describe people abruptly oversharing their trauma.
As the listener, it's usually done without your permission, and regardless of whether you seem mentally and emotionally equipped to listen.
It's not as if anyone sets out to be overbearing. It might be that they have seen everyone else oversharing on the internet, and want attention. It might be they are truly lonely or in a dark place. Or it could be that they have social anxiety.
Research shows that the more someone is under the influence of social anxiety, the less self-control they have. Which can lead to impulsive social behaviours, like oversharing.
It’s important to note that trauma dumping and venting are two different things.
Venting usually involves offloading about daily struggles in a way that’s expected and mutual. It happens between established friends or colleagues, at moments when you are both sharing.
Trauma dumping typically comes out of the blue, when a conversation isn't even that intimate or it's not an appropriate moment for deep sharing. And it reveals dark hurts and unprocessed trauma.
Sharing negative and traumatic experiences is obviously not always a problem. In moments of deep connection, it can lead to greater understanding and intimacy. And in the therapy room sharing our trauma can be transformative.
Oversharing is a problem if it doesn't respect boundaries. If you have not taken into account if the other person has the time and energy to listen, or has an appropriate level of intimacy with you. Or if they rather are dealing with struggles of their own at the moment.
It can also disrespect your own boundaries, if you share without discretion and self-care, such as with people who will obviously just go and tell everyone the sensitive information you've offered.
Are you the one who has been dumped on? It is normal to be left feeling overwhelmed, powerless as you don't know how to help, or in a negative frame of mind and causes your own thoughts to spiral.
How can you be a good friend while protecting your own mental health?
1. Decide your mental wellbeing comes first.
The first step is to simply accept that it's okay to take care of your own wellbeing and respect your needs and limits. That it does not make you a bad person. If you are constantly the victim of trauma dumping, this can be a very important first step.
This can involve taking responsibility for your own codependency and over giving, or lack of boundaries.
2. Politely assert your boundaries.
Let your friend know that you empathise with what they are going through, while explaining that while you truly wish you could help, you don’t feel comfortable being part of the conversation. You don’t feel you can offer them the support they need at this time.
From here, you can suggest other outlets that may be of help. Are there other friends they can talk to? Would they like help finding some professional support?
3. Suggest your friend access professional support.
It's important to never, particularly during a sensitive conversation, bluntly tell someone to go to therapy. Or making them feel there is something wrong with them as they have suffered difficult experiences.
It is, on the other hand, okay to offer empathy, sensitively ask the question about if they'd consider therapy, and offer help for them to find it.
Use empathy to point out that you've gone through hard times, you know how difficult life can be. Ask them if they've considered seeking support, and offer them help finding support if that is something that is of interest to them (and you genuinely want to help). Or, if you have been to therapy yourself, share your experiences. From there, it's up to them.
Again, if we are often the victim of trauma dumping, it can be as we don't have clear personal boundaries and over give our time and energy. Or we are inauthentic, giving others the idea we are interested and care when we don't.
These sorts of behaviour all stem from a low sense of self, and needing to gain a sense of worth from helping others, or appearing to. All issues which therapy can really help with.
Time to stop being a dumping ground for others and learn how to set boundaries? Find your perfect therapist now.
Victoria Stokes is a mental health writer based in Belfast.
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