Worry you’ll say the wrong thing when someone shares their problems? Here’s how to support friends when they share.
When it comes to how to support friends, it’s almost more important not to do some things than to do others.
Giving unasked for advice generally serves one purpose. It leaves the other person feeling brushed off, unheard, and annoyed.
And advice is often less about the other person and more about us. A research study concluded that if we are the type to give advice, it's often as we unconsciously have a desire to feel powerful.
Of course it's different if your friend asks for advice. Then you can offer it. If you aren’t sure, if they have phrased their request in an unclear way, ask to get confirmation. “Are you asking for my feedback and advice?”.
“You’ve got this”. “This too will pass.” “Try to see the bright side”. Platitudes are sayings that might feel fun when we read them on Instagram.
But when someone spouts one at us when we are upset, it again serves to just leave us feeling brushed off, or as is the other person finds our sharing unacceptable.
When we are sharing experiences, it’s normal to feel the urge to ‘match’. “I attended this great fitness class the other day.” “Oh I found a great new fitness teacher too last month!”.
But when someone is sharing their problems, it is not appropriate to story match. This is bad listening, as it means when the other person is talking you are actually preparing your story over being fully present. And it swerves everything to you when they are having a vulnerable moment, and it should be about them.
It's bad enough when we've been through a hard time. The last thing we need is to then feel others feel sorry for us. So can the 'poor yous'.
So then what DO you do, then?
Listening is the key ingredient. This means being fully present and focused, letting them talk to the end of their thoughts, and nodding and perhaps ‘mmm hmming’ but not interrupting. If it helps to say focused, repeat what they said in your mind as they say it.
Then, when they do pause, reflect back to make sure you understood. “So you feel like nobody at work appreciates you?”
A study looking at the effects of different types of listening found that empathic, attentive, and non judgmental listening led the person sharing to have less anxiety and greater self-awareness.
If you aren’t sure about anything your friend or colleague is saying, ask useful, forward moving questions that begin with ‘what’ or ‘how’, over 'why'.
For example, "What makes you feel that way about your colleagues?” Is more helpful than "Why don’t your colleagues seem to like you?”. Why questions can sound judgemental or lead to philosophical rabbit holes instead of forward.
Part of listening to someone can be allowing space in the conversation and just being there.
Some of us are tactile types. When someone is upset we feel that we should reach out and hug them, or put an arm around them.
But remember that not everyone is the same. Some people don’t like being touched when upset. Again, ask first. “Do you want a hug” is better than a sudden lunge in.
Instead of sympathy, show empathy. "I can't imagine what that was like, it sounds really hard. You are seriously brave to have gotten through that."
When people share their problems they can suddenly feel very vulnerable and like they have done something wrong. By thanking them for sharing you help them feel courageous instead of ashamed.
A simple, ‘thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to share’ goes a long way.
Of course this is assuming you respect them, and are truly glad to be there for them. And it’s not just someone you don’t know well oversharing for attention or ‘trauma dumping’. If you aren't glad they shared, don't pretend you are.
Instead of advice, ask how you can help.
“What can I do to help? Are there things that would be useful? Just let me know.”
Of course any offer that isn’t genuine is likely to be felt as false by the other person.
It’s okay to not be able to help. For example, if you are already depressed and struggling yourself, and don’t feel you can support someone.
In this case, ask if you can help them find help. “I hear you. It’s hard when life is challenging. To be honest I’m struggling myself right now. But is there someone else you can think of who might help? Or could I help you get In touch with someone?”
Outright saying, “You need therapy”, or “I think this is something for a therapist, not me” Is a terrible idea. It will come across as judgemental and like you want to pass the person off over help them.
Use the more positive word ‘support’, for starters. “Sounds like you need some real support.” If they agree, you might then suggest you could help them find support.
This would also be a good time to mention if you have tried therapy yourself. “Could I help you find some good support? I personally use therapy at times like this, it’s been a lifesaver.”
It’s important not to then call all your other friends and share what was said but to respect your friends privacy.
The only exception here is if you worry they are danger to themselves or others, in which case it makes sense to get the advice of others in your peer circle.
Or, if the danger feels imminent, tell your friend you feel it’s time to get emergency services involved, such as going to the ER or calling for help.
Feel like you can't support your friends as you are always overwhelmed all the time yourself? Why not try therapy? It helps you be more present in relationships and deal with your issues so you aren't constantly triggered and unavailable.
