Loving Two People at the Same Time

by Andrea M. Darcy
Reviewed by Dr Sheri Jacobson

If you love two people at the same time, are you a bad person? Is there something wrong with you? Should you be worried? And what are the affects on your mental health?

Loving two people - is it such a big deal?

There is no right and wrong here.

Many people nowadays engage in ‘open relationships’. They happily love two or more people at the same time.

Honesty vs secrecy

Of course open relationships, where you don't hide that you love more than one person, are one thing. But loving several people secretly is another.

An affair is obviously deceitful, but what about just loving the second person from afar?

The truth is in how you feel, and how you think your present partner would feel if they knew.

Would he or she mind if you had a crush, or not be worried? Are you staying with your partner because of convenience or fear? Or is it actually that you do love them, and use the other person as an excuse to not let yourself fall too far in love?

Which leads to the next issue.

Intimacy avoidance

Constantly find you are in love with two people, and that every time you meet someone, there are complications because of another? You might unconsciously be afraid of intimacy. What better way to sabotage getting close to someone than always being distracted by others?


Not sure if you are telling yourself you love more than one person to avoid intimacy? Look at whether you are idealising. If you are convinced your first love was ‘the one’, or it always seems that the most recent ex was better than the present partner, there's your sign.

Drama addiction.

Here’s another reason you might be the type who always has an ‘either or’ situation when it comes to romance.

You love the drama.

Before you protest, ask yourself, am I always talking about what happened to me? Making stories out of my experiences? Do I sometimes exaggarate a little? Do I always seem to attract crazy situations?

Again, it blocks intimacy. Drama takes so much time there is less left for proper connection.

It can also be a sign of low self-esteem, or a way to distract ourselves from emotional pain. It can be a sign of serious unresolved childhood issues we don’t want to face.

What if I just really love two people?

Again, some people are polyamourous. It works for them.

Or you could simply still be figuring out what love even is (and quick hint - it’s nothing like the movies or romance books). There is a lot of pressure from media to 'be in love' and we can confuse lust with love in our attempt to fit in.

So loving more than one person might be your way of exploring your own wants and needs.

You might even discover one day that, actually, you don't love either, and just need time to figure out who you are. Which is fine. Despite what media would have us believe, many people actually don't find a partner they truly love until well into their thirties or beyond.

Do you feel you can't fall in love, or childhood issues hold you back? Why not try a session with one of our friendly, professional and registered therapists?

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