We all by now know what being 'ghosted' means. You meet someone, either over the internet or in person. It’s going well. And then… they vanish.
But what if it keeps happening to you? Why are you constantly being ghosted?
It's a reflection about the odd world we now live in. A world where dating sites give us the shopping cart mentality, and we can hide behind screens. Where we meet people we over the internet we don't cross paths with usually, so they can more easily vanish.
So yes, unfortunately some people ghost others because they are egotistical. They think that they have endless options so don’t have to bother being respectful.
But many people ghost others because they don't know how to communicate that they aren't interested or are feeling overwhelmed. They are worried about being hurtful and saying the wrong thing. So they say nothing, and end up being more hurtful.
If it happens once or twice, or you find out that the person is known for this habit, then yes, it likely is about them. Not everyone is honest, courageous, and kind.
But in this case you learn from the situation. You recognise what sort of person ghosts others and make better choices next time. You do more research, take your time, keep your guard up until you have key factors in place.
If it keeps happening, though? You keep getting ghosted? It’s time to consider that it might be related to you after all.
See if the following sound familiar.
Are the signs actually all there that they are the type who rejects others? Are their profile photos 'bad boy', or 'wild girl'? Are they aloof, hard to get, obviously messed up?
Have they even straight up told you they don't want anything serious, but you aren't listening?
If you are endlessly attracted to unavailable sorts, you are lining yourself up with types more likely to ghost you. Perhaps on a certain level you are afraid of love, or believe you don't deserve good things.
Do you engage in really long conversations via messaging before you meet? Start to share really intimate stuff really fast?
This creates an intensity that can spiral out of control until the other person can feel so overwhelmed they back off.
Meet in person for the first time, and instead of a calm, one-hour coffee date, spend an entire day together? Sharing your entire life story? Then start texting as soon as you are apart?
Again, you can overwhelm the other person. They can ghost you as they feel suffocated or controlled.
Using old, outdated photos? Said you had a job you don't, acted as if you were one way when really you are another? Then expect the other person, once you show up on the date, to just overlook all that?
The other person might be so surprised they go along with things on the date. They then get away, and ghost you as you have manipulated them.
Pepper the person immediately with questions about marriage and kids? Expect them to commit after knowing them a week? And get pushy if they don't? This shows you have control issues and also are insecure. No wonder they are running for the hills.
If you sleep with someone without any discussion of what it means and then insist on commitment, you're using manipulation. Negative behaviour can result in a negative response, aka, ghosting.
Are all your friends in love and you just want to be in a relationship? Do you feel lost without someone else? Don’t know who you are if you don’t have the attention of another?
Other people aren't stupid. Eventually they will sense that you are a bit lost and really needy, that it's not really them you are into, just not being alone. If they are immature and don't know to stand up for themselves, they might just vanish.
Isn’t love wild, intense, aren’t I supposed to need someone?
Actually, no.
This is. life, not a movie or book. Healthy relating is not about throwing ourselves heedlessly at someone, thinking we are soulmates with someone we have known for a day, expecting them to know if they want to marry us within a week, or needing them to respond to all of your endless texts. These are actually forms of love and relationship addiction.
Nor is love about ‘need’ and feeling ‘one’ with someone. Healthy relationships are about two people who source their self-esteem from within. They don’t ‘need’ someone else to feel good about themselves or their lives. They just enjoy being with someone they meet and share values with.
It’s not about two people becoming one, but about two parallel lines, running happily next to each other in the same direction.
Yes, ghosting can be pretty cold. Awful, even, if you've been intimate with someone then they vanish. It can leave you feeling terrible and confused for weeks.
But sometimes, despite our best intentions love and be loved, we might be using pretty unkind behaviours ourselves that we aren't admitting to.
Having sex with someone in order to trick them into a relationship, for example, is not nice. Nor is making someone feel guilty if they don't respond to all your texts.
Can’t stop being really intense and scaring people off? And then feel totally destroyed when they ghost you? You might have what's know as emotionally intense personality disorder, or ‘borderline personality disorder’. This means that you lack the emotional 'skin' others have, and can go from zero to 100 with your feelings in seconds. You also have a deep fear or abandonment and can lash out if you think someone is rejecting you.
If you have BPD, then from your perspective, your behaviour will seem 'normal'. You will need some support to recognise how you are upsetting others, and how to adjust your behaviours so others understand you and you get the love you so long for without the mood swings or lashing out.
Think you might have some relating issues you need help with? Or want to talk to someone about BPD? Use our easy booking tool now to find a therapist who can help.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert with training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She loves writing about relationships. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
