Sometimes I Hate my Husband - Am I a Bad Person?

by Andrea Blundell
Reviewed by Dr Sheri Jacobson

Do you sometimes love your partner, or feel you can’t live without them? Only to be filled with a blind rage at other times, screaming “I hate my husband”? Then blaming yourself later for being a horrible person?

Is it really hate?

First of all, hate is not something we can measure or compare. So your definition of hate is relative to you.

It’s possible you are being very hard on yourself, and thinking you are full of hatred just because you are experiencing anger.

Women in particular can be uncomfortable with feelings of anger. In many cultures, we are taught growing up that girls should be ‘sweet’ and ‘good’. If we do feel angry, or have negative thoughts against other people, we judge ourselves as being terrible and full of hate.

In fact anger is a healthy emotion that helps us know and set our boundaries.

It is only when anger is repressed that it becomes rage, a more difficult and less healthy situation. And rage brings feelings of hatred.

Why we feel rage and hate

If you spent your life trying to be good and acceptable or even perfect, repressing all your ‘negative’ feelings? Then yes, you might find yourself now full of rage and hatred.

Repressing all our feelings means they build on each other until they become eruptive, like a volcano.

It also means your emotions are much bigger than the present day situation warrants.

Your anger from the past now roars into the present. Your husband does one little thing that should just annoy you, but you hate him with a deep, dark fury. This is because you are projecting all your anger at people from the past onto him.

This can especially be a problem if we experienced trauma or abuse as a child and have not processed it. The helplessness we felt as a child experiencing neglect and trauma becomes rage we carry as an adult.

When feelings of hatred are an important warning

Sometimes, of course, hatred is not just about the past. It is about the present. You are in a relationship that has expired and you are unable to leave. Your frustration is building into a feeling of hate.

If you seem to only feel very big emotions -- if you are totally in love, then full of hate, if you are in bliss then depression? You might have 'emotional dysregulation', a condition where a shock has left you without control over your feelings. See a psychiatrist or counselling psychologist.

If you have had an emotional problem since adolescence, and also suffer from impulsivity, and are terrified of being abandoned? He or she can also test your for borderline personality disorder (BPD).

If you are actually in a relationship where you are being abused by your partner, whether that is physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional and psychological abuse, and/or financial abuse, feeling hate might be your body and mind trying to wake you up. You need to get help and get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

What to do if you worry you hate your partner

Again, if you are actually in danger, if the relationship is abusive, seek help as soon as possible. Call a confidential hotline that helps women leave abusive relationships, talk to your GP, or book a session with a counsellor.

If you have an issue with repressed anger, experienced past trauma, or even if you just feel stuck in a relationship that you’ve outgrown, then do reach out for support. A talk therapist can help you gain the self confidence to deal with the past, then take the right steps to heal your relationship or move on.

Are you ready to get help with your feelings of rage and hatred? Our therapists understand and are here to help. Book today, talk as soon as tomorrow.

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